Why Today? I'm not EXACTLY sure....

Well people have been asking me about starting my blog back and I have given it much thought as writing is very therapuetic (sp?) to me. I have begun to blog several different times and just didn't have a topic that really got me going or that I had a lot to say about - I know...hard to imagine. Either way, today it has struck me and I'm ready to write so I hope you are ready to read.

Six years ago today, my life changed forever. My high school and college years were wonderful, yet we had some scares with my Pa but nothing that compared to this. The oddest part about it was that I had a feeling - the feeling that people say that Mom's have about their children and what not - a feeling like I knew what had happened before it happened. There is no way that I can explain it, but it was there. The drive to Ninety Six was the longest yet shortest drive of my life, one that I never wanted to make even though Ninety Six is my favorite place in the world. Upon pulling in to my parent's driveway I was overcome with various emotions - sadness, shock, dread, yet complete and total awe at the number of people who cared about my family. I am not sure that there is really anything that makes dealing with a shocking death easier, but having people who love and care about you surrounding you has to be the closest thing or best attempt. It's also odd that under all of the shock, I can name almost every single person who was at my parent's house on that day six years ago. As the minutes and hours passed, there was a steady stream of people who were in and out of our home, on the phone, sending supplies and more and that continued throughout the entire process which was an outpouring of love that I never knew would exist. If you are reading this and were a part of that - I say, "Thank you!" You have no idea what an impact you had on me and my entire family.

Something that I was never prepared to do was to put together a funeral for my younger brother while I was only 24 years old. I feel like when I received the call, I immediately grew up and aged about 10 years. There is nothing and I do mean NOTHING in life that prepares you for that, but it is in a time like that when your back is to the wall and you have nothing to do but grab the bull by the horns and deal with what is in front of you. I always knew I was a strong person, but I think this event solidified it for me which has paid off through other events throughout these last few crazy years. I remember the look on my parent's faces and the faces of my family when decisions had to be made and difficult tasks had to be conducted - it wasn't right to even approach them with them - it wasn't fair. Thankfully, I had an amazing husband - of only 7 months at the time - who stood by my side, held my hand and supported me throughout the entire situation. I will NEVER be able to thank him enough for that, there is no way that I possibly can. As we chose the arrangements, the casket and more I began to ask myself if I was making the right choices and that is when I realized that there isn't a right choice - it is just a formality of death which comes for all of us at some point.

The quote below brings me solace and I say it so many times each day.

As many people say, those days were a blur and in some ways they were but in many ways they were not. As I have already mentioned, the people are unforgettable in every sense of the word. The faces in the crowd, the hugs, the "I have no idea what to says" are forever etched in my memory as people who stood by us in a time that we never wanted to face. Many days I think back to those days and the people constantly come to mind - trust me when I say that you have no idea what it means to a family when you show up, call, text or any means of communication during a time of tragedy. There are literally no words that can express that feeling. Again, thank you.

One image that will never be erased from my memory is when we were pulling into the cemetary for the funeral. I have tears in my eyes as I type this remembering the sea of people who were there. The crowd seemed to go on forever, as far as my eyes could see. I literally could not believe my eyes nor the feeling that I got from the surrounding of love and care for my family. As upset as we all were due to the circumstances, we were also overwhelmed and completely blessed by the support and love we received. As we walekd from the car to the chairs, it was as though we were walking through a crowd at a concert, people were everywhere - some who I expected to see and some who I didn't - each of them meaning so much to me. The service was a sweet one, hitting home to I think everyone in the crowd and I am not sure that there was a dry eye there and I know without a shadow of a doubt that God was there - I could see him, I could feel him - it was surreal, it is still surreal. I remember those who placed items in the casket and remember thinking how awesome Big Tate was and how overshadowed that became because of some bad choices. It was clear to me that so many people knew the good in him and how big his heart was. Big Tate was a person like no other and would do most anything for anyone - beneath his big and bad exterior was a heart the size of the Earth - one that hurt for others and worried more than most of you know. His heart was something that I wasn't born with, but that I've tried to emulate since his death. The way that he could make anyone feel important, make you laugh on the worst day of your life or just his smile to let you know that everything would be OK are things that I miss every, single day of my life. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that by the crowd of people there that Big Tate touched more hearts than just mine and many people's hearts broke for the loss of him because he was indeed an amazing person. I know there were many who wondered what more that they could have done in order to prevent this event from happening, was it something they could have said, done or maybe not done or said that would have stopped his death and for those people including myself I offer this:

We will NEVER understand why Big Tate had to leave this Earth so quickly at a time when we were not ready for him to leave, but he left at a time when his Father was ready for him to leave. Big Tate was always unpredictable which is what so many of us loved about him and he got us all one last time with an early departure. I do know that God's timing is PERFECT and even though it may not make sense to us, it was his time. It doesn't make it fair or right as it seems, but it was PERFECT as it was planned and God knew it from the time he was born as he does for each of us. So for those of you who have guilt or questions as to what you could have done more or differently - find peace in knowing that no matter what you think you could have done - it was his time. You all did more for Big Tate than words could express and we are all forever grateful. Our family appreciates all that everyone did for him and the stories still pour in to this day, so once again...Thank you.

As I sit today and think about losing someone close, I have some points for everyone. (You know I couldn't have a blog without a numbered list)

1. You never know when your day is coming - live each day as it is your last.
2. Life passes too quickly. Stop and enjoy the ride. Do what you want and do not live in fear - go after it!
3. Take pictures - more than you think you should - even when the people in the pictures are getting angry - there will come a time when picture are all that you have and you will treasure them more than most things in your life.
4. Do what makes you happy. Life is too short to be miserable.
5. If people don't add value to your life, don't worry with them - spend time with those who mean the most to you.

In closing, I would like to leave you with a few things that Big Tate taught me and I am sure I will add to this list as the days go by - if you have something he taught you - add it in the comments - I would love to hear them.

1. You aren't better than anyone.
2. Friends come in all shapes, sizes, colors and ages - be a friend - to everyone.
3. Everyone you face is fighting a harder battle - smile and make their day.
4. Have a heart for those who can't fight for themselves - they need your voice.
5. Live a little more carefree - the to do list will be there - time will not.
6. Always drink with a koozie, it's more classy.
7. Have a back up plan, at all times, you don't know what is going to happen and always have someone you can call for a ride.
8. Make everyone you meet feel special - he had a way of doing that.
9. Make jokes. Enjoy jokes. Remember the jokes and fun times - revisit them often.
10. When you are involved in something - give it all you have - at all times. I try to approach things I'm involved in with the pride and intensity that he had in a Wildcat football uniform. #59 will NEVER be the same and will always have a special place in my heart and it PAINS me to see someone other than a Sargent wear it but that is life. The attitude that comes with #59 is somethign that nobody outside of our family can replicate, and it is not their fault, it is something that I can't explain.

Looking back and thinking has made me realize that Big Tate had something that has just become a popular word or Twitter hashtag. Big Tate had #SWAGGER. Many days I think of him and his swag and it brings me joy, it puts a smile on my face and it makes me keep going. I know that he's still there, many days I can feel him - and I can hear him. He's more like a big brother now than a younger brother - and I thank God for that.